Choice

Well, it's been a weird few days (good-weird. But weird all the same). I had a sort of personal epiphany on Saturday. I was in bed, reading books and drinking coffee with the sun streaming through the windows (at last! sun! This Winter has been loooong) and thinking about a decision I have recently made which I wasn't AT ALL sure about, and suddenly this little voice spoke in my ear: you have a choice.

This may not seem so revelatory; it's a thought I've had many times before in one sense or another, but always in a passive way. I could go somewhere or not go somewhere, for example; I could wear the green dress or the red dress, etc. But this time it was like being hit by lightning. It went right to my core. And I thought, all excited, I get to make every decision I want! I can choose what I want to do or say or think! I get to choose! (Again, this may not seem like a particularly blinding realisation, but bear with me).

I had an eating problem for the longest time. And mostly, it's resolved now. But even so, when I'm feeling stressed, or rejected, or just downright fat, it rears its ugly head to say, 'well. We know how to solve this, don't we? Just stop with the eating for a while'. Lately, while agonising over the decision I wasn't sure about, that ugly little head has been rearing up quite frequently. And so this idea of choice, when it arose, really excited me. I realised, all of a sudden, that I don't have to choose to give in to those little relapses. I can choose instead eat something, to fuel the body that I need to be healthy so that I can go to places and do things instead of having to lie around, listless and pale as wax. And this idea of choice being a core thing, something that applies to the hugest things in my life as well as whether to buy the cherry lipgloss or the grape lipgloss, just stunned me.

And ever since, I have been walking around with a big smile on my face. Even yesterday, when some work-stuff went awry and I felt myself sliding into oh-no-everything's-going-wrong territory, I chose (chose) to stop and take a second to think about things instead. And then I chose to smile anyway, because I could either feel stressed and then probably work inefficiently as a result (I tend to flap like a baby bird out of the nest when I'm flustered) which would only lead to more stress, or I could think, well, what has happened has happened. How am I going to fix that?

And that is what I did.

Happy Easter Weekend!

Tomorrow is the start of National Poetry Month...which I think is actually an American tradition rather than a British one, but people all over the world join in. The point is to keep the mental cogs smoothly moving by writing a poem every day during the month of April, whether draft, working poem or otherwise. I participated last year, and it really worked for me, possibly because I like being challenged and having something to work towards...I wrote quite furiously last time, and got several decent poems out of the exercise, so I will definitely be joining in again this year.

Things are good at the moment. I am enjoying the rain (I have missed the rain! Only snow and ice this Winter, no rain), working superhard and writing here and there. I have several notebooks on the go, which I find is helping in those times when I want to write something but don't know what to write...so am altogether contented.

The daffodils are out in their frilly, brilliant yellow bonnets, the grass is green, and it's starting to feel like Spring is really arriving. It's the Easter Bank Holiday weekend here, which means no work Friday or Monday, and although I love my job (now that I've moved back to my old office), I'm looking forward to some time off. Poetry reading tomorrow (I will be listening, not reading), channelling my inner domestic goddess on Friday (will be baking up a storm) and then art gallery on Saturday. And I haven't even planned for Sunday and Monday yet, but I am excited for them anyway.

Life is good. It's easy to forget that sometimes. But it is.

(Pre) Christmas Tidings

The Christmas lights are up everywhere already - the town hall is particularly beautiful, strung all over with tiny blue white lights and a huge, simple tree by the grand-looking entrance. And there are penguin statues everywhere, all of a sudden - a little like the Cow Parade that happened a few years ago, where life sized model-cows sprang up across the city, each one painted differently. So far I've seen a blue penguin covered all over with silver and white snowflakes, a realistic black and white penguin with a purple Emperor-sash, and a penguin painted with grass and flowers. Even though I don't like my job very much at the moment, I do love working in a city centre, particularly at Christmas time - random penguin statues, eggnog lattes, pinkcheeked shoppers, Christmas carols, wet streets gleaming with the smeared reflection of a million fairylights...so pretty. I'm catching the train into Manchester on Saturday as the seasonal German Markets have arrived, and my friend Olivia and I go every year - it's sort of our tradition. We wander round the log-cabin type stalls buying cheeses and wooden toys and tree decorations getting pinker and pinker and colder and colder, and then finally, when we're really, truly frozen, we go to the huge cabin at the centre of the square for mulled wine and hot cinnamon waffles.

I still don't have plans for Christmas Day...part of me wants to spend it alone this year - buy new pyjamas, a fluffy blanket and slippers and spend the day on the couch wrapped up reading new books (which I always get stacks of), just being quiet and peaceful and appreciative. But we'll see.

I'll be doing all of my shopping on Christmas Eve, as usual. I hate the thought of reducing Christmas to a shopping list, pencilled out ages in advance and items neatly crossed off each month. I prefer last minute gift-buying, it feels much more Christmassy - dashing in and out of the shops with my red Starbucks cup clutched tightly in one hand and a plethora of plastic bags cutting grooves in the other one...aaah, Christmas, how very much I love thee!